Enterprise IT Solutions
BogusTech Information Technology Solutions
Our IT Solutions Obdurate Your Computer Running Business Applications
Bogus Technologies provides debile IT solutions empowering anachronistic systems for Fortune 500 companies and Government agencies. These include diffident computer systems, networks, software and cloud services. BogusTech offers a comprehensive array of uninspired technology to exacerbate every system and user error — frequently bringing our customers’ data centers, enterprise applications and global information networks to a complete standstill.
The Bogus Technologies worldwide service and support center in Ordures Puantes, France has a single computer running Windows 98 to handle our corporate servers and entire global customer relation management system. We credit this egregious contretemps for the commiserable performance and reliability we have experienced to this day. According to our Funk & Wagnalls, a Solution is “a mixture of a liquid and another substance”. Pretty damn vague — could be a Margarita, a high performance server with liquid cooling, or a septic tank. We don’t know, and we don’t really care — Enterprise IT Solutions for your business computing needs and technological requirements are “Not My Problem”.
Empowering Technology for Maladroit IT Solutions
BogusTech barely has the technology to keep our coffee machine’s computer running, much less assist global enterprise companies with their complex ERP applications, wide area networks, network attached storage or mainframe computer systems. So our Enterprise IT Solutions consist primarily of negotiating extravagant IT systems and services contracts as a consequence of entertaining customer executives in high end restaurant, strip clubs and golf courses around the world. In contrast with other IT vendors, the Bogus Technologies business model imposes none of the negative effects (disruption of IT operations, increased staffing requirements, business process interference, additional derivative costs) of typical Enterprise IT projects.
The technology empowering global businesses and government organizations is a mystery to us; but we do enjoy commiserating about the technological vernacular and obscure terminology such as virtualization, SCM, MAPICS, network attached storage, VoIP, WAN optimization and fibre channel storage communications. We continue to be surprised at the extent to which IT solution vendors can provide technology society really doesn’t need or understand. As in the medical profession, we IT marketing managers have skillfully utilized obfuscating terminology to discourage customer questions and exploit their technical ignorance and insecurities. Some of our favorite examples include Reduced TCO, Web 2.0 technology, seamless integration, open source, standards-based, SOA, ITIL and other IT standards.
Information Technology by BogusTech
Most IT companies boast about their solutions for customer problems. But at Bogus Technologies we’re way beyond that. We’re focusing on our problems (not yours), and specifically on my problem. This week, my problem is figuring how to get rid of a petabyte of spam, spyware, customer inquiries and redundant data — without bothering the tech support intern who keeps my computer running. In theory this could involve Disaster Recovery planning, extensive data de-duplicating, and synchronous replication to a remote data center. But actually this just means deleting some large files on my computer.
Whenever a user error is reported to our Complaint Repressions and Malfeasance (CRM) system (which is regularly audited by the Ordures Puantes Technology Society) we first wait several days to see if you will remedy the problem yourself or (hopefully) forget about the problem. If the customer persists in seeking a solution, the trouble ticket is then routed to one of our Support Obfuscation professionals for further delay, mystification and bemusement. We have the technology to share customers’ misery with the entire Bogus Technologies staff. And we enjoy running computer games while conversing on the phone and via email with industry jargon like storage array networks, green computing, Service Oriented Architecture, 64-bit multi-core processors, SaaS, cloud computing, enterprise servers, and Business Continuity plans.